Overheard In Ulpan...

Ulpan Class Aleph-Shteim (aleph-two)! We may not be the brightest
Hebrew speakers, but at least we photograph well. Sort of.

One of the funnier internet sites I've come across is that "Overheard In..." website where hopelessly bored and disturbingly instrusive people eavesdrop on the conversations of others, take note of the idiotic things they say, and then share them with all of cyberspace. It's pathetic. And hysterical.

Well, I've decided to do the same thing with my ulpan class. The reason I am allowing myself to do this is because I too have made many moronic statements during class and I love self-deprecating humor. So in the spirit of good old-fashioned laughter, I have assembled several of my favorite, foot-in-mouth highlights from the first month of ulpan.

First, a quick primer on my ulpan-mates. We are students whose knowledge of Hebrew ranges from "somewhat decent" to "abhorently pathetic." We're the students who the teachers make fun of in the lounge. We are the few, the proud. We are Aleph-2.

There are about 12 of us in the class and, I must say, everyone's really cool. The class is about half Jewish, half Christian, and one Muslim. There's a 33-year old dance instructor from Denmark (Thomas), a 17-year old French girl (Rose), a naive and sometimes not-so-politically correct high school graduate from Korea (Jaung), an Israeli-Arab who also just got out of high school (Raakan), and a girl from Nigeria (Angela). Then the other half of the class consists of Americans from all over the States.

Our teachers, or "morot" are Racheli and Nomi. Two very nice women who rule the classroom with iron fists. No, just kidding, they don't beat us. Not all the time, anyways.

The mistakes our class makes in Hebrew have tended to be as eclectic as our ethnic makeup. They have ranged from "cute" to "accidentally racist." But it's all in good fun. Aaaand we're off:

"The answer in Czech just ran through my head."
-Mark (one of the Americans who studies languages for a living) trying to answer one of Nomi's questions in Hebrew.


"So, what kind of music do you like? The Bee-toles? Mah-donna? The Peche Mode?

"Uh, who's The Peche Mode?"

"You know...The Peche Mode."

"Do you mean Depeche Mode?"

"Yes. Same thing, no?"
-Racheli, asking the students what music we listen to.


Nomi: "How was everyone's weekend?"

Jaung: "It was scary. I went walking in Jerusalem, got lost, and ended up in a really poor, sh*tty neighborhood. I had no idea where I was and it was really scary and dirty. And people were following me. I'm pretty sure I was in an Arab part of town."

Horrendously awkward moment as we all look over to Raakan, our Arab-Israeli classmate.

Nomi: "You know, there are poor Jewish areas in Jerusalem too. You could have been in one of those."

Raakan, interjecting with a slight laugh: "No, actually it sounds like she WAS in an Arab neighborhood. That's normal."

Phew...Arab-Korean crisis averted.


"Who the hell are those guys outside that look like the Ghostbusters?"
Thomas, talking about the leafblowers in the quad area. Apparently leafblowing machines have not made their way to Denmark yet. "Ghostbusters," however, has.


"You all need to chill up."
Racheli, unaware that the term is actually "chill out."

More hilarity to come. With this group, it shouldn't take long...

The view from outside my ulpan classroom

My ulpan class taking a field trip to West Jerusalem.
Racheli is our teacher. She speaks Hebrew. We, on the
other hand, have the collective Hebrew vocabulary of
a 3-year old Israeli.